ABOUT

Last Snow

Author: melody0606
Title: Last Snow
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/19335/last-snow-angst-fantasy-korean-mystery-romance-shinee-vampire/18
Reviewer: ctanonymous
Site: Writers Strike - VST [http://writer-strike-vst.blogspot.com/]

Title: 5/5
I think it fits nicely. The connotations of your title fit the story, and do give me the feeling of vampires and dark romance. The 'Last' part of it gives it an angsty and dramatic feeling, too, and I like how it's only two words; simple and not overdone.

Poster/Background: 8/10
I have to say, I really do love your poster; simple, but beautiful. The colors were well-picked—the dark hues complement the angsty mood, and combined with the color saturation and character expressions, gives a mysteriously ethereal feeling, going well with the theme of your story. I also like how the watch is fitted in there, because it hints at symbolism and goes well with the your title, "'Last' Snow." The tamped down font colors do a good job in not distracting, too. The only downside to your story appearance is the lack of a background; plain white space seems too...empty.

Forewords: 8/10
I think you did a really good job with the forewords. The little poem preceding the summary really added to the moods of your story, and gave a suspenseful insight of everything. I got goosebumps reading it, and I was excited to know more about your story! D: Which isn't something that often happens to me when I'm reviewing a story. Your summary is good, too; vague, but not too vague, and gives an idea to the reader about what the story could possibly be about but also leaves plenty of room for development. The character profiles helped, too, but I think it'd be better if you could add profiles for the members of SHINee as well, because not many people (including myself) are very interested in Kpop, so confusion may occur when trying to differentiate between the members. But of course, you could or could not do this, because after all, this does make clear that it is a SHINee story, so unfamiliar people probably wouldn't be interested in it in the first place, so...up to you.

Plot: 11/15
I'm impressed. You seem to have already planned out a lot of things, looking at what you have so far and the foreshadowing you've written in. It's impressive how broad your story is—not only does it span out beyond simply romance; it also contains a lot of suspense between different races of beings. That's kinda interesting. Although you seem to be developing your plot decently so far, however; it's still unclear exactly what your plot is. You seem to mix in many things at once—the human girl, the vampires/fledgling, Entities, Minah—and it may strike the reader as confusing, since you chose to keep things mysterious and don't explain straight-out. I'm still not sure what the main conflict of 'Last Snow' is, so maybe you'd like to try hinting at it a bit more? And because of this, most of the time things got a bit boring and 'blah' because I wasn't sure where everything was going. Also, the collection of creatures you're including in your story is confusing as well—what is the difference between a vampire and a fledgling? Entity? And same thing with your terminology. It's hard to relate these things to your plot if you don't state clear what they are. (The terminology, you did include a small glossary at the end of a chapter, but I found that even so, they were really hard to remember.)

Creativity/Originality: 11/15
In all honesty, dark vampire romance fics are anything but original nowadays, what with Twilight and The Vampire Diaries and the House of Night series going around out there. It's really hard to come up with something in this category and make it entirely original. And I think 'Last Snow' isn't really that different from all the other vampire stories I've read. But, I like how your story not only centers around the vampire race; other creatures such as faeries exist in your verse, and it makes it all the more intriguing.

Flow: 7/10
In most places, your flow is just right. But in regards to your flow with the plot, I think it's too slow. Three chapters into your story, and I still had no idea, really, of what your fic is about. But other than being too slow in terms of plot development, I think your writing flows just right. (Sorry for the lack of feedback in this area, but there isn't really much to say in the flow category, because a fic is either too slow, just right, or too fast, and yours is a combination of the first two. Not much to elaborate.)

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10
Your spelling and grammar are decent, nearly error-free. I have to say, wow—nearly impeccable, save for a few typos, spelling errors, homophone misuses, and comma splices here and there; nothing a detailed edit won't catch and resolve. Sometimes, you also mix up the present and past tenses within your writing, as well. As for your vocabulary, I like it. Although the words you chose to use aren't the most sophisticated and "professional", they show your good level of writing and fit naturally with the entire text. Everything was extremely easy to read and understandable, suitable for most readers.
[Ex: "Does that mean those monsters had finished?" should be "Did that mean those monsters had finished?" because 'did' would be the correct form since you're writing in the past tense.]

Characterization: 9/10
Nicely done. Your characterization of the characters is very apparent; from their actions, dialogue, and attitudes, it was quite easy to perceive their traits, personalities, and such. Not much to say here, but good job bringing out their qualities: whether it's their rashness, innocent sides, brashness, calm facade, etc. This applies to the vampires and the Entity, though; I can't tell much for Minah, as you have yet to bring her out more and let us know her more.

Writing Style: 6/10
Lovely. Your writing style is just the way I like it, honestly—simple, neat, and organized. The sentences were quite well-put together and clear to the reader, and the way you wrote them made the story flow and become easy to read. I had not too many problems trying to read your story. One problem I have, though, is your separation of paragraphs/sentences. I feel like you use line breaks too often, in places where the sentences could fit together to create a paragraph. In other words, you put line breaks between sentences that should originally be a paragraph, as their subjects correlate or are the same, and the content can go together in one chunk. You should also try varying your sentence lengths. Most of them are simple sentences, and you could mix it up and make your story more appealing by using compound and more complex sentences. Another problem: the way you type out your dialogue and their tags is incorrect. It's quite disappointing that this simple mistake, though common, would be committed by a writer of your level. It should have been taught in grade school. Following a statement that does not end in an exclamation mark or a question mark, there should be a comma, and the tag after it should not be capitalized. Same thing with internal thoughts of the narrator. Perhaps it would be clearer if I gave an example.
[Ex: '“Drop it.” He whispered.' should be written as '"Drop it," he whispered.'] Another issue: flashbacks. If you plan to use flashbacks, try not to outright state that this is a flashback; don't use (Start Flashback), etc. Try to use subtler hints, like italics for flashback scenes, because labeling will cut the flow and mood of the story and bring the reader out of it slightly.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Even though I do not indulge in SHINee (or other Korean artists) that much, my interest for them grew quite a bit after reading your story. The way you wrote it made the members seem quite appealing, and I always love myself some smutty vampire fiction. :] Plus, each line was very engaging and had me so distracted from my pre-cal homework. Sigh. However, some parts were kind of boring, though; I thought you could've spiked everything more. And sadly, in terms of familiarity and interest regarding SHINee, I think you chose the wrong reviewer. As intriguing as your story was, I found myself detached from the characters and I couldn't feel the connection between the storyline and the characters. Makes sense?

Subtotal: 75/100

Extras: 5/5
For a pretty poster, long chapters, and overall nice story. Oh, and for bringing me out of my involuntary hiatus. (No one requests from me anymore. ;____; Thank you for being the first one in forever.)

Total: 80/105

Is this a thorough review? Lol. I hope it helped. I apologize if I was too brusque or rude. Sorry if I offended you in any way. Thanks for requesting from Writers Strike, and more specifically from me for a review! (: Have a lovely day.