ABOUT

Touch

Story Title: Touch
Author: Jeniations
Reviewer: Carrie @ Writers Strike!

Title: - 3.5/5
The title is short and simple but leaves the readers with the question of what is being touched, which is answered with the addition of the short sentences in the poster because it really helps to explain why the title is picked and describes the story a little. So the title and graphics attract the readers to take a chance and read the story. Instead of the title “Touch,” “Touched” might have been more appropriate because the rape has already happened and it is about moving on from that.



Poster/Background: - 8.5/10
The poster fits the story really well because it portrays a feathery feeling that correlates with the sensation of being touched. Also, there are different posters for the chapters that help to set the scene for that chapter. However, the background could have been of something softer than the white behind the poster; so that the feeling of being touched would continue to be evoked instead of rough feelings though after reading the story, the roughness makes sense because it hints at the rape. Another plus is that the color scheme allows the readers to easily read the story.



Forewords: - 5/10
The forewords told who the characters are but didn’t provide any descriptions about the characters or the storyline; so the readers do not know what to expect if they choose to read the story. Also, the foreword doesn’t really make any sense. “A destiny love story?” That could be better rephrased to “a love story about destiny” or something instead of being an awkward fragment. Did you mean “my soul was ripped out of me?” You wrote “my soul was riped out of me” and that does not make sense though the rest is consistent with the idea of your story. Remember the foreword is supposed to get the reader thinking with interest of the endless possibilities in the story by providing the readers with a taste of what the story will contain.



Plot: - 13/15
The plot is different from others because it was unexpected that Aaron will be the one who raped Hebe and she’s willing to forgive his mistake. Although the story had a good flow and was mostly easy enough to comprehend, there were still parts that were confusing, like the ending that leaves readers guessing. However, overall, the readers mainly understood what was happening and could follow one event to another.



Creativity/Originality: - 12/15
The story was unique in that the plot was unexpected and the flow of the story was mostly good with a writing style that made it mostly easy enough to understand. Also, the beginning of the story when Hebe told her mother that she was raped foreshadowed the rest of the story, which was a nice touch and helped to set the stage for what the readers are supposed to expect in the story. So it was an interesting way to incorporate the common idea of rape with some but not all of the psychological and emotional effects being exploited in the story, which made the story briefer than it could have been.



Flow: - 8/10
The readers could follow the flow of the story and it was a good idea for you to put the timeline in bold. However, there are times when it felt like the story was progressing too quickly and there are questions about what happened during the time lapse.



Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: - 5/10
One big issue in your writing was your verb agreement. Mainly, the verbs should be in past tense but there is present and past tenses mixed in. There are a few examples provided, since there was way too many to correct and you’ll get the hang of it once you see the examples and proofread your story. Also, ellipses are used when it is not necessary because it does not help to set the tone.



1. Original: “The girl scream in terror. The guy possessively stop and look at her in disbelief.”
    Correction: The girl scream[s/ed] in terror as the guy possessively stop[s/ped] and look[s/ed] at her in disbelief. (Not sure how the guy could be possessive about stopping, but the verbs should all either be in past or present tense.)



2. Original: “She commands and scurry her way out of the empty halls. He stood there in shock and grief. all he did was accidently bumped into her. The girl... He loved... Was afraid of him... What more can he do when she's even too scared to look at him. How much worst can this get?”
    Correction: She command[s/ed] and scurr[ies/ied] her way out of the empty halls. He stood there in shock and grief. All he did was accidently bump into her. The girl he loved... Was afraid of him... What more can[/could] he do when she's even too scared to look at him. How much worse can this get? (There is a problem with tenses again. Also, there is too much ellipses. It is unnecessary to separate one sentence three times, especially right in between a clause because that causes more confusion than needed.)



3. Original: “I scream and hid under my bed covers. I felt as if the wind outside cried along with me! It's scratches the branches up to my window. Pounding... Moving... Escaping... Frightening... I sob. "No!" I grab my pillow and squeeze it tight.”
    Correction: I screamed and hid under my bed covers. It felt as if the wind outside cried right along with me! It scratches the branches on my window. Pounding... Moving... Escaping... Frightening... I sobbed. "No!" I grabbed my pillow and squeezed it tight. (Besides verb tenses, “it” is a pronoun, while “it’s” is a contraction standing for “it is.” On a side note, “its” is a possessive pronoun,  so do not mix the three up.)



4. Original: “So my limp body, trapped, in hold of his. "NO!" His breathing! Oh, the alcohol breath, it rubbed against lips, then neck! His smell... That cologne, it smothered me! It catched me!”
     Correction: So my limp body was trapped in hold of his. "Oh no!" His breathing! The alcohol breath rubbed against my lips then my neck!  His smell... That cologne, it smothered me! It caught me! (Commas and ellipses should not be inserted everywhere to separate a sentence if it is not necessary because it only serves to hinder the readers’ pace in reading. Also, punctuation marks should not replace  the use of a word if words would make the sentences be more complete and pronouns are needed. Be careful of how the word changes from present to past tense because it is not always done by adding the suffix –ed. Do not capitalize words unless needed to be grammatically correct or if it serves to evoke a certain feeling.)



5. Original: “Mother ask me about it. I didn't answer, my lips were super glue, but her patients overcame. She told me, it's ok, and to tell her when I wanted to. But suggests that I go to school. It's the least I can do to my life. My leftover life. I knew... The moment I was born, I was dying. No one heard. No one notices me. I was frighten, too frighten to see him again. I would die if I did. My insides were rotting through the day, and brain weren't cooperating. I was not normal anymore. The only thing I can do, was not to starve. I went through out the day dead as ever. The only time I talked was when ask to do cafeteria duty.”
     Correction: Mother asked me about it. I didn't answer, my lips were super glue, but her patience overcame. She told me it's ok, and to tell her when I wanted to but suggested that I go to school. It's the least I can do for my life, my leftover life. I knew... The moment I was born, I was dying. No one heard. No one noticed me. I was frightened, too frightened to see him again. I would die if I did. My insides were rotting through the day, and my brain wasn't cooperating. I was not normal anymore. The only thing I can do, was not to starve. I went throughout the day, dead as ever. The only time I talked was when asked to do cafeteria duty. (Besides verb tense, watch out for subject-verb agreement and spelling of a word as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, etc. The sentence structure sometimes makes the idea behind the sentence unclear.)



6. Original: “I stare at him... Everything was quiet. Outside was getting darker. He's breathing was heavy, his face was pale, and blood was everywhere, mostly on me. I try to move. This position was the last I wanted to be in. He breathing touches my ear and I harshly push him off, and crawl up to the door. I sat there shivering. What luck he has! He was running from the someone, protecting a girl who fears him, and got hurt and there's nothing she dares to do. I guess it was better if he just die so he wouldn't suffer. After a while I came to my senses and stood up. 'I can go get help! Yes!' I turn the knob on the door. Locked. What a coincident, a door that lock from the outside and INSIDE! Why would they do that? I ran to the back room and look on the desks for the card. No where in sight. I scan and search through the cabinets. It was no where in sight. 'What will I do?' I reopen a cabinet with a first aid kit and ran back into the kitchen. When I reach him again I stop. 'I... Don't want... To go near him...' I shook my head. My fears, my weakness! I can't climb over this wall that separates us. My hands were shaking again. My mind kept repeating the images, but he saved me... 'Maybe it's not even him. Maybe it's not....' I repeat in my head. I hear him groan in pain.”
     Correction:  I stared at him... Everything was quiet. Outside was getting darker. His breathing was heavy, his face was pale, and blood was everywhere, mostly on me. I tried to move. This position was the last I wanted to be in. His breathing touched my ear and I harshly pushed him off, and crawled up to the door. I sat there shivering. What luck he has! He was running from someone, protecting a girl who fears him, and got hurt and there's nothing she dares to do. I guess it was better if he just died so he wouldn't suffer. After awhile I came to my senses and stood up. 'I can go get help! Yes!' I turned the knob on the door. Locked. What a coincidence, a door that locked from the outside and the INSIDE! Why would they do that? I ran to the back room and looked on the desks for the card. Nowhere in sight. I scanned and searched through the cabinets. It was nowhere in sight. 'What will I do?' I reopened a cabinet with a first aid kit and ran back into the kitchen. When I reached him again I stopped. 'I don’t want to go near him...' I shook my head. My fears, my weakness! I can't climb over this wall that separates us. My hands were shaking again. My mind kept repeating the images, but he saved me... 'Maybe it's not even him. Maybe it's not....' I repeated in my head. I heard him groan in pain. (The chapter contains the same problem with tenses and contraction versus possessive pronoun.)



7. Original: “*Grins*”
     Correction: Aaron grins. (Who is grinning? Do not write like you would talk on instant messages and do not leave the readers guessing what message you are trying to convey.)



8. Original: “'It wasn't because she was scare of me. She was shy. I can't believe it. We were making progress!' He closes his locker and watch her heads for the first class. He watches her walk down the hall, swiftly pulling his thoughts along. He knew that this was the start of something new.”
     Correction: “'It wasn't because she was scared of me. She was just shy. I can't believe it. We were making progress!' He closed his locker and watched her head off for her first class. He watched her walk down the hall, swiftly pulling his thoughts together. He knew that this was the start of something new.”  (Make sure that your paragraph is told in the same person’s point of view. If the paragraph is going to be in first person point of view, then make all the nouns be first person. Otherwise, use second or third person point of view accordingly.)



9. Original:  “"Sorry." He looks at me, worry. I laugh. "Don't worry so much. I'm not going to brake." He puts the backpack on his shoulder. "I'm glad." We walk down the hall for a bit. Calvin and Wu Chun shortly after joins us.”

     Correction: "Sorry." He looks at me, worried. [or He looks at me worriedly] I laughed. "Don't worry so much. I'm not going to break." He puts the backpack on his shoulder. "I'm glad." We walked down the hall for a bit. Calvin and Wu Chun joined us. (Look out for proper spelling or homophones.)



10. Original: “Aaron looks hard at me then to Wu Chun.”

       Correction: Aaron looks hard at me then at Wu Chun. (The wrong preposition was used and clauses/phrases should be written in identical format.)



11. Original: “"I know! But I can't help it! Hebe gottens so attractive since she been smiling these days!" He blurts. I stare at him, Calvin stares at him, and Aaron stops walking in his tracks. I blush. 'This is so weird...' Aaron slowly turns his head our way, it's like you can hear the cracking of intentions in his neck. His eyes were flame and he gave Wu Chun a death look. It seems like the whole hallway was darken and an eerie light shown onto him.”

       Correction: "I know! But I can't help it! Hebe has gotten so much more attractive since she has started smiling these days!" He blurts out. I stared at him, Calvin stares at him, and Aaron stops walking in his tracks. I blushed. 'This is so weird...' Aaron slowly turns his head our way, it's like you can hear the cracking of intentions in his neck. His eyes were flashing with flames and he gave Wu Chun a deathly look. It seems like the whole hallway was suddenly darkened and an eerie light was bestowed onto him.” (Check your verbs and adverbs. Sometimes a helping verb is needed in addition to the verb you have chosen to use in order to make the sentence be in the tense that you want it to be in.)



12. Original: “I quickly rise it with the long faucet. Aaron grabs the facet by me and butt me away when his body… He laughs and keeps rising.”

         Correction: I quickly rinsed it with the long faucet. Aaron grabs the faucet by me and butts me away with his body… He laughs and keeps rinsing. (Check the spelling of your dictions.)



13. Original: “I held my wet hands in the air, stun. He look at me with sadden eyes. I shut mines, expecting to get yell at. I wait for the lecture.”

       Correction: I held my wet hands in the air, stunned. He looked at me with sad eyes. I shut mine, expecting to get yelled at. I waited for the lecture. (Adjectives, adverbs, and verbs are not used properly. Also, “mines” is not a word.)



14. Original: “In this  quiet moment I can feel how nervous Aaron was then me.”

       Correction:  In this quiet moment, I can feel how much more nervous Aaron was than me. (Sometimes your sentences are missing words that better help to communicate what you mean. Also, when used in a comparison, the word is “than,” not “then.”)



15. Original: “I froze a little and almost pull away, but the warm that was held in his palms, calms me, and I let him hold my hands until they weren't cold anymore.”

       Correction: I froze a little and almost pulled away, but the warmth that radiated from his palms calmed me, so I let him continue to hold my hands until they weren't cold anymore. (You need to know if you are using the word as a noun, verb, adverb, adjective, etc. and how the word is spelled when used in that form.)



16. Original: “"What do you mean. Look at yourself you're super happy looking. Who can it be?" She jokew. I blush and turn away. 'This can't be true. I dare not to...'”

       Correction: "What do you mean? Look at yourself. You're looking super happy. Who can it be?" She joked. I blushed and turned away.” (A question mark goes after a question and proper punctuation is needed to separate the sentences correctly to better get the ideas across.)



17. Original: “"Oh off course!" Selina answers for me. Aaron glares at her, she glares back.”

      Correction: "Oh, of course not!" Selina answers for me. Aaron glares at her, and she glares back. (There is a confusion of whether you meant it as a tease that she said “of course” or it is supposed to be “of course not.”)



18. Original: “"I just have to tell her something important! Where she is?" Selina searches behind Ella.”

       Correction: "I just have to tell her something important! Where is she?" Selina searches behind Ella. (Proofread please because you might be typing so fast that the words appear out of order.)



19. Original: “"No." She smiles. "What fate." Selina sighs.”

      Correction: "No." She smiles. "It’s fate." Selina sighs. (Not sure what you are trying to say. Proofreading will help.)



20. Original: “"No can hear me... No one can help me... No one!" I shout unable to control my anger. I heavily exhale.”

      Correction: "No one can hear me... No one can help me... No one!" I shouted, unable to control my anger. I heavily exhaled. (Do not type too fast or you’ll skip words.)



21. Original: “"Everyone! She's coming! She's coming! Shhh!" The crowd quiet down as the lights dim in the hall... The only light, flashes into the room, was the  door slowly opening, follows by a beautiful blissful girl with her uncle guiding her arms down the aisle.”

      Correction: "Everyone! She's coming! She's coming! Shhh!" The crowd quiets down as the lights dimmed in the hall... The only light streaming into the room came from the slowly opening door, followed by a beautiful blissful girl with her uncle guiding her arms down the aisle. (The sentence is awkwardly structured.)

Characterization: - 7.5/10
The readers can find out the characters’ personality in the story by the words they said, the actions they did, and their interactions with other characters. However, the readers could get a better feel as to who the characters were if the characters were described in the forewords and more details were included in the story. This is because the readers were not able to fully understand all the characters’ personalities, feelings, actions, etc.



Writing Style: - 8/10
The writing style is common but there was the additional use of stating the time lapses, which helps the readers follow the timeline of the story. However, there were a bit too much of them or it was too fast. Another thing is the paragraphs. Although the use of paragraphs helps to group similar ideas together, sometimes the things that were grouped together led to confusion. When dialogues are used, they can only be incorporated together in a paragraph if the dialogues and actions are from one person. Otherwise, there will be a question as to who said or did what. This writing style is not bad but could be further explored and built up on.



Overall Enjoyment: - 3/5
I like the idea behind the story. However, I can't help but to feel a frustrated by all the grammatical errors. The errors made the story much harder to read, especially since there were awkward sentences that caused confusion. At some point, I just began to ignore the mistakes and correct the sentences in my mind as I read. Please proofread next time so that you can avoid a lot of the simple mistakes. Also, I think that the story would be much more enjoyable if more details were included because I was left wondering about what happened during the time lapses and more details will help the readers better envision the story.



Total: - 73.5/100



Bonus: - 3/5
I hope that you would not feel discouraged by the grading, but rather, use it as a guide to help you improve on your writing. Also, I admire you for requesting me to grade hard, even though I believe that I am already a harsh grader. I hope the bonus will encourage you to keep on writing and thank you for requesting with Writers Strike!



Grand Total: - 76.5/100

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