Author: choonhee02
Title: waiting for so long
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/40543/waiting-for-so-long-ljoe-romance-schoollife-teentop-you
Reviewer: Carrie
Site: Writers Strike - VST http://writer-strike-vst.blogspot.com/

Title: 4/5
At first the title seems to be incomplete, a short fragment that is fairly common. However, after reading it a few more times, the title makes the reader want to know what he/she should wait for. Also, the title really fits the story and summarizes the whole plot in a few words.

Poster/Background: 10/10
The colors chosen for poster, background, and text makes the story really pleasing and easy to read. The silver glittering from the black background creates a feeling of hope because the shiny blinking seems to represent stars in a night sky. The way the individuals are placed emphasize on the loneliness of each person lost in his/her own world to await the future. Though the intention of the girl with the pink hat is probably not intended to look as if she is praying, she looks as if she is bowing down to ask the sky to grant her a wish. The group dressed in white and red that looks more blended into the background represents the hidden help or bond of friendship that is forever there to come to one’s aid when needed. Overall, the poster and background really reinforces the title to attract curiosity.

Forewords: 8/10
The foreword is really simple and not really fresh. Although the foreword does tell the readers what will be in the story, there is no evidence that the story will really captivate the readers because it sounds like a typical story plot. There should be something that is intriguing in the foreword to urge the readers on. A better way will be to introduce the characters before the quick summary, instead of doing the short introduction then the characters’ descriptions before the summary because it makes the foreword sound repetitive.

Plot: 11/15
The plot wasn’t as clear because there were too many flashbacks with present intertwined. There could have been more details about each event and have the story plot being presented in chronological order.

Creativity/Originality: 13/15
Although the general plot of the story is fairly common, the author presented it with quite an unique twist. Instead of choosing to have the story be about the girl loving the boy for three years and then deciding to still accept him after she finds out that he is no longer with the other girl, the author chose to keep the girl waiting for the boy; so that the readers get the chance to decide on how the ending will be. This allows the readers to use their imaginations and create an ending that they see fit. Despite the confusion with the time, the use of flashbacks enabled readers to witness the journey that the girl and boy took in finding true love.

Flow: 6/10
Since there was only nine chapters that were short, the story moved on pretty quickly, making the flow faster than it was ideal. The flashbacks and point of views doesn’t help either because all the additional changes from past, present, and thought created confusion as to what time the story was taking place in. Unless the author could get a better grasp on how to write using mainly flashbacks, the author should try writing the story with no flashbacks at all or use them sparingly.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10

1. Wrong: “You flirted with me a couple of times but i was so naive and in to you that I thought you like me but I was WRONG!”
Corrected: You flirted with me a couple of times, but I was so naive and into you that I thought you liked me, but I was WRONG! (The story is in past tense so “liked” instead of “like.” Minor error in not capitalizing “I” and punctuation because there is a comma before the conjunction “but.”)

2. Wrong: “My heart said keep liking you but my mind said NO!”

Corrected: My heart told me to keep on liking you, but my mind said “NO!” (Make sure the sentence makes sense. Quotations are needed around what is said.)

3. Wrong: “With that i wanted to give up on you, give up the fucking 3 years i wasted for liking no loving you!”

Correct: With that, I wanted to give up on you, give up on the fucking 3 years that I wasted for liking, no loving you! (Capitalize “I.” Pay attention to where commas are needed. Don’t type so fast so that you know when you’re missing a word that clarifies the sentence.)

4. Wrong: “Her eyes flutters open and look at the clock.”

Correct: Her eyes fluttered open and looked at the clock. (The story should be written in past tense, but your verbs weren’t.)

5. Wrong: “She get up from her bed and streched a bit. After that, she takes a shower and do her business. Done showering, she put her uniform and fix her hair. She look at her mirror and smiled at herself.”

Correct: She got up from her bed and stretched a bit. After that, she took a shower and did her business. Done with her shower, she put on her uniform and fixed her hair. She looked at her mirror and smiled at herself. (Be careful of your tenses. Make sure that the verbs’ tenses match in the sentence and story overall. Also, be careful of spelling mistakes and awkward phrasing.)

6. Wrong: “She's mihi's second brother.”

Correct: He's Mihi's second brother. (Is Donghae a boy or girl? Double-check your fact and capitalize the character’s name.)

7. Wrong: “She nodded and the both of them go inside her brothers' car and heads to school. The car stops and mihi step out from the car.”

Correct: She nodded and the both of them went inside her brother's car and headed towards school. The car stopped and Mihi stepped out from the car. (Once again, there is a problem with the tenses in the sentences.)

8. Wrong: “The car sped off and mihi go inside her school.”

Correct: The car sped off and Mihi went inside her school. (Tenses)

9. Wrong: “They're really go hyper if there is a new guy.”

Correct: They're really going to be hyper if there is a new guy. (Reread your sentences to make sure that you are not missing words in the sentences.)

10. Wrong: “This is guy is so freaking scary.”

Correct: This guy is so freaking scary. (Do not type that fast. Make sure you’re sentences make sense.)

11. Wrong: “"But that what makes him more handsome." she said. "Whatever! Anyway, do you want to trade sits with me?” i ask and she shook her head. "Waeyo?" i ask pouting.”

Correct: "But that is what makes him more handsome," she said."Whatever! Anyway, do you want to trade seats with me?” I asked and she shook her head. "Waeyo?" I asked pouting. (The word “sits” is a verb, while the word “seats” is a noun; so figure out what part of speech is needed.)

12. Wrong: “"E-err the coach said that i have to go back here since i don't know how to play basketball. Y-you? W-why are you here?" i ask me. He laugh at me and motion me to go forwards but i didn't move an inch.”

Correct: “E-err the coach said that I have to come back here, since I don't know how to play basketball. Y-you? W-why are you here?" I asked him. He laughed at me and motioned me to go forward, but I didn't move an inch. (Be aware of who is interacting with who. In this case, who is talking to whom?)

13. Wrong: “I walk slowly and sit beside him. "W-why are you here?" i ask him again. He laugh again and look at me. "I don't have my p.e uniform. I left it at home and well, coach send me here." he said and i nodded. "You're scared at me?" he ask me and i quickly look at him. "AM NOT!" i suddenly shouted. My eyes widened and cover my mouth.”

Correct: I walked slowly and sat beside him. "W-why are you here?" I asked him again. He laughed again and looked at me. "I don't have my p.e uniform. I left it at home and well, coach sent me here." he said and I nodded. "You're scared of me?" he asked me and I quickly looked at him. "AM NOT!" I suddenly shouted. My eyes widened and covered my mouth.” (The story is in past tense; so make sure the verbs are in past tense.)

14. Wrong: “Months had passed, Mihi and L.joe have became friends however, in those months they didn't talk to each other.”

Correct: Although months had passed and Mihi and L.joe have become friends, they still didn't talk to each other. (The sentence didn’t make complete sense because it sounded more like a run-on and the transition word wasn’t used correctly.)

15. Wrong: “If they would cross ecah other they would just smile. Mihi is upset by that. Since the day that the 2 talked to each other they haven't had any conversation up to now.”

Correct: If they crossed each other, they would just smile, which upsets Mihi. Since the day that the two talked to each other, they haven't had any conversation up until now. (Check your spelling and don’t type too fast.)

16. Wrong: “"Wha it is?" i ask.”

Correct: “What is it?" I asked. (Typing too fast again, I think.)

17. Wrong: “"We got it from Mr. Park. Remember how he made us write our basic info.? Well I found byunghyun-sshi's number and we know how much you LOVE him, we decided to give to you." chami-yah said, smiling at me.”

Correct: "We got it from Mr. Park. Remember how he made us write our basic information? Well, I found byunghyun-sshi's number and we knew how much you LOVE him; so we decided to give to you." Chami-yah said, smiling at me. (Be aware of the transitions and the punctuations needed to make the sentence become more clear.)

18. Wrong: “"Wait here okay? I'll just gonna buy something beside your school." he said and i nodded.”

Correct: "Wait here, okay? I'll just go beside your school and buy something," he said. I nodded.

19. Wrong: “I look at my phone then in the paper.”

Correct: I looked at my phone, then at the paper. (The wrong prepositional phrase was used.)

20. Wrong: “When Im at school I always got caught looking at him and he will just look at me blankly, maybe that's the reason why I'm scared at him. It was friday night, When I got home from school I tried to call him again but this his cousin was the one who answered the phone .”

Correct: When I’m at school, I always get caught looking at him; and he will just look back at me blankly. Maybe, that's the reason why I'm scared of him. It was Friday night, when I got home from school. I tried to call him again, but this time it was his cousin who answered the phone. (Check the punctuations.)

21. Wrong: “Mihi: Deh, i'm so sorry okay? If your busy then it's okay. I'll just call you tomorrow.”

Correct: Mihi: Deh, I'm so sorry. Okay? If you’re busy, then it's okay. I'll just call you tomorrow. (The wrong homonym was used.)

22. Wrong: “But sadly, when we are in school i can't even talk to him like when we are talking in the phone because they might think i like l.joe oppa *which is's true!* i thought.”

Correct: But sadly, when we are in school, I can't even talk to him like when we are talking on the phone because they might think that I like l.joe oppa. *Which is true!* I thought. (The wrong prepositional phrase was used and the word “is’s” does not exist.)

23. Wrong: “You see, my friends said that whenever he's talking to me, i woul always blushed and can't look at him in the eye.”

Correct: You see, my friends said that whenever he's talking to me, I would always blush and I can't look him in the eye. (Do not add unnecessary words.)

24. Wrong: “I don't remeber when did i started learning playing the piano but i remeber that my cousin taught me how.”

Correct: I don't remember when I started to learn how to play the piano, but i do remember that my cousin taught me how. (Check the spelling of the words that are being used. Two verbs shouldn’t be placed right next to each other without a word in between to make the sentence sound more complete.)

25. Wrong: “Deh, i reallly like it! It's my favorite song since, my brother always sings that song.”

Correct: Deh, I really like it! It's my favorite song, since my brother always sings that song. (The comma goes before the transition word, not after.)

26. Wrong: “Thanks for letting me listening, you playing piano.”

Correct: Thanks for letting me listen to you play the piano. (Although the verbs in the sentence are supposed to be in the same tense, it doesn’t mean that each verb needs to have the same ending added to it.)

27. Wrong: “They arrived in the court and they are a lot of students inside.”

Correct: They arrived in the court and there were a lot of students inside. (Within a sentence, the verbs should have the same tense. Make sure that the dictions chosen to be used are correctly spelled.)

28. Wrong: “Since, there's a show in the court, me and pia-yah are only here.”

Correct: Since there's a show in the court, pia-yah and me are the only ones here. (Not too sure what the sentence is about in this case. Transitions normally have a comma after the whole transitional phrase.)

29. Wrong: “We hugged while we're in our fieldtrip! His Aunt and his cousin knows me and they even told me that if L.joe oppa will migrate in US maybe there's a chance that we'll meet again and I will be L.joe oopa's girlfriend.”

Correct: We hugged while we're on our fieldtrip! His aunt and his cousin know me. They even told me that if L.joe oppa migrates to US, maybe there's a chance that we'll meet up again and I will become L.joe oopa's girlfriend. (Make sure that the preposition chosen for each phrase is able to create a vivid imagery for the reader and the verbs match its own subject.)

30. Wrong: “He didn;t move an inch and he's still looking a me in the eye.”

Correct: He didn’t move an inch because he's still looking at me in the eye. (Double-check what is being typed. Contractions require apostrophe, not semicolon.)

31. Wrong: “When she entered the house she was welcomed by her 2 older brothers. Their face fell because they saw Mihi crying. First, donghae ask her why did she cry but she just shooked her head. Then, her other brother which is the oldest just got back from Canada asked her what happened but same as her answer to Donghae. She just shooked her head and go to her room.”

Correct: When she entered the house, she was welcomed by her two older brothers. Their face fell because they saw Mihi crying. First, Donghae asked her why she was crying, but she just shook her head. Then her other brother, which is the oldest and just came back from Canada, asked her what happened, but she gave him the same answer as she did to Donghae. She just shook her head and went into her room. (The punctuations need to be placed in the sentence to clarify the author’s idea.)

32. Wrong: “I search what's happening to my friends life's and something caught my attention!”

Correct: I searched for what's happening to my friends’ life and something caught my attention! (The apostrophe goes in the noun that is possessing something, not in the noun that is being owned. Even though the subject is a plural, the noun that is being owned may be single or plural depending on whether it is existing as a single item or a group of items for the noun.)

33. Wrong: “Still, L.joe is frustrated how Mihi is ignoring her.”

Correct: Still, L.joe is frustrated with how Mihi is ignoring him. (Do not confuse the reader about the gender of the characters by typing the wrong pronoun.)

34. Wrong: “"If you're not gonna say anything and just wasting my time. I better go." i said and walks away.”

Correct: "If you're not going to say anything and planning to just waste my time, then I better go." I said and walked away. (The author started using an “If…, then…” statement that emphasizes on the sentence containing a cause and effect.)

35. Wrong: “I haven't seen her when i was still 5 years old. I barely see her and it's only on Internet."

Correct: I haven't seen her since I was five years old. I barely see her now and when I do, it's only on the Internet. (The sentences were awkwardly phrased; so the author’s ideas were not clearly expressed for the readers to understand.)

For errors that were due to a common issue, I only listed several examples, instead of all the possible mistakes that were made in the story. This is because I think that the author would have gotten the message after several examples and know how to spot and correct those problems.

Characterization: 8/10
As the story continued on, each character’s personality can be seen in the actions taken or the words spoken. However, descriptive words used to describe the characters in the story would be helpful. Adjectives would have given a better idea to the characters’ physical outlooks, while adverbs would have added depth to the characters’ personalities.

Writing Style: 7 /10
The long paragraphs made the story hard to read, especially with all the spelling and grammatical errors, which contributed to the difficult, overall comprehension of the plot. With the constant shifts in the point of views and flashbacks, it created a harder way to grasp the occurring time flow during the plot. To improve on the unique style of writing a story with flashbacks, the author need to be specific of the time of the flashback and paint a vivid picture of what special things are happening in that time period to make it necessary to be included. Between the flashbacks, more plot about the present situation that the characters are facing would be appreciated to let the readers know that the point of reading this story is to find out what is going on now, instead of mainly being about the past.

Overall Enjoyment: 2/5

The different tenses used within the story confused the readers because it led to uncertainty as to when the story was taking place. Also, the typing was done too quickly without rereading the sentences led to the addition of missing words, which made readers pause many times in attempts to figure out what the author is actually trying to say. All the grammatical errors caused numerous distractions from the plot of the story. At some points, the reader wasn’t even sure what the author was trying to communicate and appeared to be lost; so rereading had to be done. However, the overall picture of the story could be seen and understood.

Sub-Total: 74/100

Extras: 3/5

Although my grading may be harsh, I hope that the author will be able to improve and not give up on writing. The author does have some good ideas, but the author needs help in expressing those thoughts more clearly and vividly; so that readers would be able to create a movie of the story in their head as they read the story from beginning to end.

Total: 77/105